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I've always been a better lover than a friend.

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It's 8am on July 28th. I slept as long as I could before I started to over-think every little detail of my life. I don't want this to get to morose with the details right now so I'm going to try and express this gently.

I mentioned the date because I like to know when things change, I like to look back and see when shit hit the fan or when things were great. Unfortunately, I'm not sure what today means for me yet. God knows who will be my wife someday and he will make sure I know that too as long as I keep pestering him about it. But Lord knows I can't date anymore. Over these next few days, weeks, months I'm going to sulk into a hermit state and kick myself in the ass and eventually I'll snap out of it, but I will not move on- I refuse.

I'm trying not to be angry at all the things that haven't happened yet like spending my birthday alone or missing out on awesome dinners for two or taking pictures with my best friend. I'm trying not to get sad already about the jealousy that I'll be fighting and the not knowing that will occur and the venting that (just like what I'm doing now) will have to be done in order to make me feel more human through all of this.

What can I do that I am not already doing?

4

I'm hurting now Lord, and I promise I've been doing my best to not be angry that I can't just stop hurting. I know that you have a reason and a plan for this hurt so I will hurt so that you may have the glory father, because without you I am nothing. I do not even hurt without you, I do not feel, I do not love. I am too weak to bear this alone so take it. Jesus take this hurt and share it with me so that I am not alone.

Withdraw me from this world for a moment I plead to you. Give me your rest for a night Lord so that I do not wake up afraid of being alone. In the night when I wake I do not find her feet there to meet mine and I hate myself. I did not change enough, I did not care enough, I did not comfort enough, I was not enough and I can't stand that feeling anymore.

I mean something to you don't I? I can't be so imperfect to you can I? You will love me and yet I refuse you. I refuse you time and time again because I cannot feel you Lord, I cannot. The things of this world are all I know and I know how much my heart yearns for rest Lord, for a love I can be sure of. You know my ways and all of me inside out so please have mercy on me for coming to you like this with doubt in my heart. Teach me to be free of this anxiety that plagues my heart, father; teach me to know you.