76

Tyler Lyle.

75

Linda Eliasen.

74

Arrested Development video shoot.

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I learned how to eat Indian food. That is - I unlearned how to use a fork.

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Helen Hale.

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Derby, Kansas.

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So much has happened in the past four months that I can barely wrap my head around it all.

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"I've also found that the more I trust in Christ's redemption to be sufficient, the less overtly religious I am. And, quite honestly, the more suspect overtly religious people become to me. When I’m with somebody who talks zealously about faith, about Jesus, about the Bible, after a while, I find myself wondering whether or not their faith is strong at all. For instance, if I were with somebody who kept talking about how much they loved their wife, going on loudly and profusely, intuitively I would wonder whether or not they were struggling in their marriage. I would wonder whether they were trying to convince me they loved their wife, or if they were trying to convince themselves. (Now that I think of it, though, some of my favorite people talk about how much they love their wives, but these are less public proclamations and more sighs of appreciation.) Faith in Christ, for me, is similar. It’s intimate. I’m more comfortable giving quiet prayers, intimate prayers. Often alone, in fact. I speak of faith the way I speak of personal matters. Of course there is a time for proclamations, but that’s the key, isn’t it? There’s a time. Anyway, I love that the New Testament is mostly intimate letters written to small groups of people who met in homes. I like the quiet authenticity of our faith."
- Donald Miller.

Reading this excerpt from a recent article really struck a chord with me as I feel it's been something that's been rattling around back and forth in my head for the past couple weeks. I remember being a teenager growing up in a small town in Arkansas and being hassled often by "Christians" who would walk up to me and plainly ask me if I knew if I was going to hell or not. So now that I've learned Christ's love and I love his people as best I can, I can't even imagine trying to show God's love for a stranger in such a terrible way.
For the past month I've really kept to myself more than I ever have in the past and I don't want to pinpoint it to any certain reason but I know that a strong part of it is that I needed this time to be alone with God and be in a quiet place where I wasn't surrounded by everyone going "praise crazy" all the time. I wanted to be with God - personally and quietly listening to his voice and to be in awe of the quiet hum of his love for me in such a loud community of believers. If you read this and feel like I'm depicting my community and friends as something negative then by all means you are wrong. I love that my friends are fishers of men, I love how proud we are to show God's love to every single person we meet! I'm grateful and encouraged by that love daily and praise the Lord for filling us up like this to spread his word in a light that is a million times better than the encounters of Christians I've had in the past.

What I am saying is this -

There is a time and a place for God to speak through us like thunder and pour through our hearts and out of our mouths with never ceasing praise BUT, there is also a time when it's okay to just praise the lord with your doing and with your heart in such a way that no word may come out of your mouth - yet it feel as if Jesus was there right beside you and everyone around. I've only been a Christian a short while now, but I know God has quieted me for a reason. So I listen for the hum of his love and I try to carry every tune I hear. I want the world to look upon me and see my actions and attitude as a living testimony of God's love for me and for everyone else - whether they feel like they need (or not need) that love and whether they feel like deserve (or not deserve) this love that is the new saving foundation of my life.

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Lately I've been obsessed with photography and I like that.
You can see some of my new(ish) work at -
www.johnathonkelso.com

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Holly Evans.

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I miss a lot of things - but I miss Dante and Andrew the most.

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The Reardon's.

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Kansas.

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Danielle Mathias and Jack Frost.

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Tennessee. 

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I haven't heard the voice of God

I'm not listening to the voice of God

I'm deaf?

I'm not paying enough attention?

God's voice isn't always a voice

The word of God is God speaking to me?

I don't know when it will happen again, because I think I'm listening and quieting my heart and all that, but maybe that's only giving 15%. This is shaping up to be a difficult winter and a lot of unfortunate things keep happening to me but so far I haven't let them shut my eyes to the true blessings I live with daily. I feel taken care of by God but I also feel like he isn't going to give me the answers anymore. He is going to be quiet and watch me and I hope and pray that I start kicking my own ass because I'm getting really antsy by the way he is looking at me. 

Stagnation must not take effect. I must keep walking towards a goal. I must keep reaching for the likeness of Christ and if anything, push ahead past this horrible valley I seem to be at the bottom of. Change always seems to come to me in unbearable amounts and this season just might win the award for weightiest crap load of guff. 

Today I read Song of Songs. I made sure to read it aloud and very slowly. I love it. Since I've been a Christian I've never heard anyone discuss this book nor have I heard one single sermon on it. That puzzles me. You could begin to think it's not even a part of the bible the way it reads. 

But you must pay attention to it closely and revel in the passion of the words - 

"Place me like a seal over our heart,

like a seal on your arm;

for love is as strong as death, 

its jealousy unyielding as the grave.

It burns like blazing fire,

like a mighty flame.

Many waters cannot quench love;

rivers cannot wash it away."

And that is something I want to feel again. 

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Church of the Holy Comforter. 

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I just took a bath of milk and honey to try and ease the hurt but just like Job says,

 

"When I think my bed will comfort me and my couch will ease my complaint, even then you frighten me with dreams and terrify me with visions, so that I prefer strangling and death, rather than this body of mine." 

I don't even know what to think of all that. I just know this feeling is something I cannot get through without God bringing me through it. I pray that God would open my eyes to his love and open my heart to his truth. Then I will have no complaints. Because he loves me so much,  I will have no complaints. 

I dreamt last night that I shaved my beard off in the mirror and when it was all gone I felt beautiful and I wasn't afraid that I was ugly underneath. It was a good dream. I can't wait to be at peace within myself.  I think I am finally ready to trust in my God and learn all that he has to show me about myself.

Let the restoration begin.

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2010!