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Found a nature preserve a couple miles from my house. Took one wrong turn and stumbled upon this old rocky dirt road that led me to it. It reminded me a lot of this path Courtney took me on in Peachtree City that led down to some stream, except this long path led down to this huge open space with a beautiful marsh and it had wooden walkways all around it so you can walk around it for miles and there benches for resting too. It was so beautiful.

I called my Grandfather - he's going in for surgery on Monday to remove a tumor on his brain and the doctors are saying there is a big chance he won't make it. But you have to understand something about my Grandpa Kelso. I've never known him and he's never known me. He is a retired navy officer that has a purple heart from saving an entire crew on a battleship overseas. He'd be entirely emotionless if it weren't for his anger and as far as I can remember the last time we talked was over two years ago when I called him asking for money - which he dutifully refused me of for damn good reason seeing as family shouldn't baby you, they should kick your ass when you are being a dumb kid.

So I called him - Within minutes... my grandfather..was sobbing. I felt like I should pray for him or hug him or be there. I told him "Grandfather, you are taken care of and God loves you". I couldn't believe I said those words to him. I've never let any emotion slip from my lips in his presence my whole life and here God was just spewing this love out of me. He was absolutely scared. Not of death, but of the thought that with his passing no one, not even his family, would remember anything about him.
So I told him to start telling me stories. And he began to talk about our Creek indian heritage and about how his father was Creek and he's half and I'm a quarter. He went on to talk about raising my father in Alaska and being in the Navy and I just soaked it up remembering everything he said. And he would just start sobbing uncontrollably during these stories and I'd tell him not to be ashamed.

I love him and I love my family. I was walking around on this wooden deck looking at the marsh thinking and praying for him and then I returned home.

Now I'm in a funk again.

I am thankful that I didn't have to be alone this Thanksgiving and that I was around friends - don't get me wrong, I am very thankful. But I just can't shake this sad vibe that is looming on my heart.. So this Thanksgiving - just letting go - trying my hardest to let go, and failing, and re-trying. But I miss my family, I miss Courtney's family and how close I was getting with them, and now I just feel a little bitter of all that's happened. I try not to be angry and if I do get upset I am quick to calm down but for the most part I'm just slugging around.

Can't wait to get my mind and heart back on track. To forget about all that's happened over the past two years, forget about wanting to marry anyone, or even the thought of marriage, and just shut off.

It's going to all be okay, soon enough.