31

So I guess I've been praying for a long while now... 

I can't put into words what a day feels like for me - I really can't. A turd don't have to say a word for you to know it feels like shit. I know I have been given great mercy to get through some of these past few weeks and if I think about it; months.

I've been okay. But just okay. You try having something you love more than all the diamonds in the world go vamoosh and see if you don't just buck right up in the mornings. Lord, oh give me strength and grace to get through this trial. I have to figure out what life looks like when it's not about me - when it's not about a longing or the desire to love and be loved. 

I've got myself into a pattern of starting off every morning with the slow panic of realizing that nothing is as it was, giving that up to God, and continuing on to brushing my teeth. You know how they say that everything will remind you of her? Well it does, it just does somehow. I've turned around (but not taken down) every picture of her in the room because I would just find myself staring at them. And that's how a day could pass. I look for her everywhere I go but I never see her around. I keep hoping that I'll see her out at the grocery store and at least get some sort of fix from just being in her presence again, but that's just sad. 

I told myself - don't write all this down, don't show you're scared, don't admit defeat. But I am scared about what's going to happen now that the end is here (or whatever it is we call this). Because believe you me, I've tried convincing myself that I can magically make her love me more or that if I do enough or be enough that one day I'll get her back, but it's not about any of that. It's just a shame I can't let her go. I just wish there hadn't have been any letting go... but what was healthy for her was to do so. She was too angry, too hurt, too much of everything to deal with it anymore and here I am a glutton for all sorts of punishment, I'm still stewing in the agony of a broken heart when I could be moving on just like her...(or whatever it is she's doing)

Stop me now, for this will turn into a direct letter.

It ain't like all that anyway. I pray for you everyday. I picture angels around you at night watching you sleep and I thank God that he does that for me. I remember every detail of your face and I don't let one nuance escape. I'm tired of hurting, I'm tired of thinking of ways that I can win you back, but I don't ever get tired of remembering how beautiful you are and how much I love you. It's unreal the amount in which my heart has grown in size since I met you.

I fight the urge everyday to tuck a note under your car door handle and just tonight at the grocery store, close to midnight I went in looking to get cough syrup and went straight to the roses thinking I'd drop one on your doorstep along the drive home and no one would have to know. 

Two hours ago I was cursing the Lord over how much I hated my room and everything in it and shortly thereafter God had me laughing aloud on my knees saying how beautiful everything in here was. What I'm getting at is this - something led me to writing all this out because I felt a dire need to do so and I think for the most part it's meaningless, but what's done is done and I'm thankful for it all. 

In Psalm 90 it says - 

"Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us, and for as many days as we have seen evil."

Amen, amen.

I love you.