20

I love her so

19

After watching a romantic movie alone I walked to her house in the rain. I carried the umbrella I bought for her and I thought up excuses I could use for being at her door. None of them would make sense. I just knew that my reality was skewed because of the romantic movie and that I was walking to her house. 

I pictured her in bed sleeping and the curtains pulled to the side letting small shadows rest upon her cheeks. I would wake her from her nap and she would come to the door to greet me. She'd take my hand and then we would be in bed and I would sleep with her there for a while. But instead, I stood there with the umbrella to my side listening to the doorbell chime it's ass end sound for the second time and I knew that none of that would be happening beyond that door. The movie that I had finished watching ten minutes ago fizzled out and the rain drops hitting my head from the stoop above dissolved any such thought of being in Paris or in love. 

In her room was an empty bed and the curtains were probably pulled shut. I stood there absolutely aloof to the thoughts of real time and real life and real anything. I've got to find another movie to watch today - one with ninja turtles or some shit like that. 

18

I found a vein in my penis that beats quietly along with the same thump as my heart

 and I would have never known otherwise

 if I hadn't been thinking of you.

17

I am censored. Be it how I speak, the way I speak it, or who I speak it to.  I do not think the same anymore. My writing is censored. It is well thought out so I do not offend or upset. At times I get overwhelmed by how much I feel a hand over my mouth but then I remember that I allow it to be there and I cave in again. 

But I know who I am - censored or not. I know what I feel and I know what I think. I know that the Lord is with me in my thoughts and actions everyday and so if I am humble than I am humble before the Lord and no one else. That is a hard thing to remember being the person that I am. And as I type I already feel re-assured that one day I will feel like "me" again; whether that be the old me or the new, and I won't find that kind of acceptance anywhere else but in my God.

I am your servant and you hear my cry.

16

I've been taking naps everyday on accident.

15

14

13

Redwine, Georgia.

12

Matthew 18:1-5

Today is my birthday and I think it's time things changed.

11

Andrew Kornylak took some mean mugging photographs of me after a shoot. Please take these very seriously.

10

At three o' clock today I decided that I wanted to leave the city and go some place new. I left at four and headed South toward Redwine, Georgia. When I got to Redwine I kept on going til I reached Dunaway Gardens, Georgia. I pulled over at a gas station and talked to this crazy grizzly old man in a camoflouge truck who kept saying "Nice scoot man, nice scoot." I asked him what would happen if I kept on trucking down Hwy 70 and he told me I'd run into Newnan and some pretty houses where people get married out on the front lawn. He asked me if I was heading somewhere for a wedding and I told him that it was something like that, we both nodded, and I continued south.

I took mostly snapshots of the historic part of the city and didn't mind anything at all, not even the heat. I was thinking about the ride up and how it was just me and how I was alone and how I could keep going if I wanted to and stay in a hotel for the night and continue traveling in the morning. I wandered around for blocks letting my mind relax away from Atlanta and away from some thoughts I needed leave from.

I was afraid to keep going though, I thought it best to just turn around and go home. I was frustrated at myself for wanting to go back because I knew there was no one waiting for me or nothing there that I was excited about coming home to...well, one thing - but not until Sunday. So why am I going home? I guess for comfort. I am proud that I did what I did today even though it sounds like next to nothing. It just meant something to me. As I ran around a church chasing the sun I heard no voices or cars, it was quiet. I was alone and I was okay.

Heading north on the return trip I had the sunset to my back and I watched it go down in the mirror as I drove home. I sang a Bert Jansch tune in my head and honked at every cow, horse, or mule I saw.

I'm home now...home. It's like nothing changed, like I was never gone. Time did not jump ahead five years because I was gone five hours. Nor did five hours change into five days. Time is irrelevant when you are figuring out your heart. I am okay with most things now and I am happy and I am going to end this hoping the pictures to come will do the trip better justice.

9

It's five in the morning. I am angry enough that it's starting to make me feel like throwing up. Patience I keep telling myself, God is trying to teach me patience right now.